


Rivers and Roads

by Luciferine



Series: Straight on 'Til Morning [6]
Category: The Last of Us
Genre: Brotherly Bonding, Compliant Only to the First Game, F/M, Family Fluff!, Gen, Motorcycles, Written Prior to Sequel Release, accidental 10k fic, both a fluffy interlude and also a sorta plot setup for future fics, ellie has angst, joel and ellie on a motorcycle requires a fluff warning all of its own tbh, joel and tommy are ridiculous why does anyone put up with them, joel tries to fix it with roaring metal deathtraps, joel/ellie if you squint, not teenage angst but legit worldly angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-22
Updated: 2014-07-22
Packaged: 2018-02-10 00:28:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,575
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2003856
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Luciferine/pseuds/Luciferine
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tommy talks Joel into fixing up an old motorcycle as a surprise for Ellie. As usual, nothing so simple can stay that way in Jackson. Set post-Counting Stars but prior to the penultimate chapter of Fight Those Demons.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Rivers and Roads

**Author's Note:**

  * For [CatrionaMac](https://archiveofourown.org/users/CatrionaMac/gifts).



> AN: I promised to write a fic with Joel and Ellie on a motorcycle, and I promised a surprise for my readers on my birthday. Look at me killing two birds with one stone. It might have gotten slightly out of hand… oops? I know this is my first real update in a while, so hopefully the length makes up for it. I would like to dedicate this fic to my writing buddy Cat who puts up with my SOTM-related meltdowns and my lovely Tumblr friend Isabelle, who demanded this fic, both who recently celebrated birthdays that deserved a whole lot more than a fic. Enjoy, and thanks for sticking with me.

Joel is way too fucking old to be playing the responsible big brother, and god knows Tommy’s too old to need minding.

And yet, here they are, sneaking around the barn like they’re delinquent kids again.

"Remind me again why we’re doin’ this?" Joel asks for the third time tonight, still not entirely sure he wants an answer.

"You’ll see," his little brother assures, just like he has every time Joel has asked.

Tommy may as well  _be_  a kid, snickering and tripping over his own feet trying to get to a tarp-covered pile resting in the hay. Joel’s eyebrows rise as he pulls the tarp back.

"Where the hell did you find that?" he asks. 

"Remember that run I went on a coupla weeks back? Found it rusting to pieces in front of an old cabin. Figured it’d be an awful waste to just leave it there. I swore the other guys to secrecy… on the condition that they get a ride if it’s fixable."

"Your wife’s gonna kill you," Joel states wryly, leaning against the door-frame.

"You let me worry about Maria," Tommy responds. Joel snorts, not convinced in the least. "C’mon, brother. You gonna tell me you ain’t the least bit intrigued?"  

"That’s exactly what I’m tellin’ you. I’m goin’ to bed ‘fore I get roped into whatever hare-brained scheme you’ve got cookin’." He shifts his weight back to both feet, fully intent on leaving his brother to it. 

Tommy huffs with amusement. “You make it sound like I’m still a kid.” Joel grunts non-committally, raising his hand in a parting gesture as he turns to go. “Just think how happy it’d make Ellie, though,” Tommy protests. Joel pauses long enough to level his brother with an exasperated look. “No, I’m serious. Ain’t she crazy ‘bout everythin’ from Before? She’d go nuts for this.”

He’s right, but that’s beside the point. “If you think for one goddamn second that I’d let Ellie get on that deathtrap-“

"Wouldn’t be a deathtrap if we fixed it up," Tommy interrupts, grinning like he’s already won. "We’d make it safe. Safe as houses. Ride it ‘round a bunch of times to make sure, before you let her even look at it. Just… imagine the look on her face, Joel." 

Joel  _is._ And that’s the problem. He can imagine her eyes lighting up, imagine her smiling that big, dazzling grin and looking at him like he’s the greatest thing on God’s green earth.  _Ah, fuck_ , he thinks. 

"It ain’t gonna run," he mutters, edging his way toward the heap of parts. "Ain’t even worth its weight as scrap metal." 

"We’ll give it our best shot," Tommy says, with the annoyingly contagious optimism that follows him constantly. "It’ll be just like old times." There’s a nostalgia to his tone that makes Joel wonder if Ellie is the only one feeling nostalgic about Before. 

"Well?" Tommy asks expectantly. 

"Lemme sleep on it," he mutters. 

Tommy’s grin widens. “Tomorrow, then?” 

"G’night, Tommy," Joel says exasperatedly, making his way out before his brother can talk him into any more insanity. 

It  _is_  late, and Joel finds himself picking up the pace without a conscious command. 

He gets home -and hell if that word doesn’t jar him still, with all the weight and promises it carries- to a half-asleep little redhead slumped over his cot. “Joel?” Ellie mutters, yawning widely.

“‘M here,” he says quietly. She blinks at him sleepily, smiling softly when she hears his voice. It hits him like a truck, the way it always does, how lucky he is. “Go to sleep, kid.” No response. She’s already out. He leaves her where she is, not wanting to disturb her.

He thinks about that smile, and huffs in frustration. He might just have to take his brother up on his offer.

 _”_ The things I do for that girl,” he mutters into the dark. 

\----------------------------------------------------

Afternoon drifts lazily into evening, finding Joel sitting on his porch with a beer in hand. Ellie’s beside him like always, stealing a sip every once in a while. He only puts up some token resistance, figuring that supplying an underage girl with alcohol is relatively low on the massive list of shit he’s done. 

If it wasn’t for the constant alert buzzing at the back of his head and the fact that they’re both armed, it could be any laid-back Sunday from Before.  

He’s as close to off-guard as he ever is, which is probably why what Ellie says next catches him by so much surprise.  

"You know, you never ended up telling me about when you and Tommy went on that road trip," she says, turning her head to look expectantly at him.  _His_ mouth quirks upwards for a moment at the open curiosity on her face, before he processes her words. 

"On… on the motorcycles?" he asks slowly, suspicious of her timing. She nods, nothing in her expression but her usual endless curiosity. "Why d’you wanna know?" he asks warily.  _There’s no way in hell she coulda figured it out already_ , he reasons. 

Her expression falls slightly at his reluctance, twisting up his insides something awful. It’s been a long time since he’s denied her any stories about Before, including his past, and he’s reminded of their early days, when he snapped at her questions and outright ignored her.

She shrugs, eyes lowering to focus on the ground. “It’s nothing. Tommy just mentioned it earlier this morning when he passed by. He said I should ask. That’s all. It’s not a big deal, though. It’s fine, if you don’t want to…” She trails off, her voice subdued. She shrugs again in an attempt to look casual. 

His feels the muscles in his jaw bunch and tick with irritation at his brother.  _Little bastard is sneakier than I thought_ , he admits. He’ll deal with Tommy later. Right now, though… “‘S fine. I don’t mind,” he says.

She looks up at him with uncertainty. “You sure? I mean, if it’s one of those things…”  _… that we don’t talk about_. She doesn’t have to say the words. He hears them well enough and kicks himself for circling them back to this territory. 

"It ain’t," he assures her. He bumps her shoulder lightly with his. "C’mon. What d’you wanna know?"  

She’s silent for a moment, giving him enough time to wonder if he’s actually managed to fuck things up with just two sentences. “Just… what was it like?” she asks, with the same wistfulness that always creeps into her voice when Before comes up. 

He hums quietly in thought, wanting to make up for his earlier reticence with a halfway decent answer. “Like bein’ free. Didn’t have to answer to nothin’ or nobody; just us, the bikes, and the road. It was… it was real good,” he says, and it’s only when he notices Ellie smiling at him that he realize he’s got a similar expression on his own face. 

"Do you ever wish you could do it again?" she asks. "If you didn’t have to worry about hunters and Infected and blocked roads?" 

"Yeah," he admits. "I reckon so." 

He’s not sure if his answer satisfies her or not, but she nods to herself as if taking his words to heart. “Were you scared?” she asks. 

"Fuckin’ terrified, the first time. You never get used to it, not really, but you learn to expect it. Ain’t nothin’ in the world like tearin’ up an empty highway." 

She sighs. “You guys got all the good stuff back then,” she says in a tone that’s supposed to be teasing, but he hears the current of envy beneath it and wishes, not for the first time, that he could do something significant about it.

"We had it pretty good," he agrees, his chest aching a bit at the longing written all over her face. "D’you… d’you reckon you’d wanna take a ride, if you could?"

She laughs. “Fuck yeah. I’d probably crash and break, like, half of my bones. But worth it.  _So_  fucking worth it.” 

"I wouldn’t let you crash," he objects. 

She raises her eyebrows at him. “Oh, are you inviting yourself along to my hypothetical motorcycle ride?” she teases. 

"Am I not allowed?" he teases back, feigning disappointment. 

She snorts. “Don’t be stupid. Of course you are.” She looks at him long enough to see him smile in response, before she looks away quickly. “I mean, who else is going to keep me from breaking my ass?” He hums quietly in agreement. The wistful look hasn’t quite faded from her face, and he curses his brother for being so dead-on.

He’s going to fix that fucking bike if it kills him.

\----------------------------------------------------

Joel slips into the barn later that evening, fully intent on telling his brother off. Tommy notices him immediately, his face breaking into such a delighted grin that Joel feels his irritation ebb a bit. He knows Tommy didn’t mean any harm, even if he doesn’t appreciate being cornered into the task at hand.

"Look who finally made it," Tommy says. "I was beginnin’ to think you couldn’t sneak past Ellie." 

Joel snorts. “Didn’t have to sneak. Long as I tell her I’m comin’ back, she don’t ask questions, and she don’t mind much.” 

Tommy raises an eyebrow. “What, she ‘fraid you’re gonna split?” His tone is joking, but Joel feels a small stab of guilt nonetheless. 

"Almost did," Joel mutters, crouching down and beginning to sort through the remains of the motorcycle. "Reckon you should remember. You were there."

"Yeah, but you didn’t. Reckon that’s what matters.” Joel shrugs, refusing to look up. Tommy crouches beside him after a moment, and they sort in silence. "She’s a good kid," he says eventually. 

Joel smiles despite himself. “She’s good,” he agrees. It’s true; she  _is_. Enough that she scares the hell out of him sometimes. “You shoulda seen her face, when I was telling her ‘bout our old bikes,” he says finally, mouth twisting at the memory. 

"Sorry ‘bout that. I just figured it’d be the fastest way to convince you. I didn’t mean to…" He trails off, and when Joel looks up he finds his little brother wearing a look of genuine concern. "I didn’t make her upset, or somethin’, did I?" 

Joel shakes his head. “She just got real quiet for a bit, wishin’ she could give it a go.” 

"You could tell her," Tommy offers. 

"And have her get her hopes up? I don’t think so. Only  _if_  we manage to get this hunk of junk runnin’. And that’s a mighty big ‘if’.” 

Tommy laughs. “Gotta have a little faith, brother.”

"Nothin’ ever got fixed with just faith," Joel points out. Tommy’s good cheer is infectious, though, and as he surveys the pile of metal again, the task ahead doesn’t seem quite so impossible. "Now hand me that wrench and stop your yappin’. You want this fixed or not?" 

"Yes sir." Tommy salutes jokingly at him, tossing him the tool with his free hand.

Joel rolls his eyes as he catches it. “You’re an idiot,” he says without any real bite. 

"See, what’d I tell you? Just like old times." 

\----------------------------------------------------

It’s hard work. They don’t have the tools or the resources that they did all those years ago, and they run into more than their fair share of problems trying to fix the fucking thing. They manage to get by on nothing but sheer luck and a bit of elbow grease for the most of it, and Joel’s pretty damn grateful that whoever owned the bike before it was left to rust did a half-assed job at keeping it in shape. They can recognize the pieces, at the very least, even if the putting together of it has them a bit stumped.

The fact remains, though, that it hasn’t progressed much from the pile of metal and unless someone works a miracle, it’s not likely to go much farther.

Despite all his cautioning about unfounded optimism, Joel realizes he _has_ gotten his hopes up, and once they hit their latest dead-end -something with the goddamn engine that they can’t figure out for the life of them-, he’s every bit as down about it as Tommy, if not more.

And he’d be lying if he said that hope has nothing to do with him spending most of the repairs imagining Ellie’s face when she sees it.

“We’ll figure it out,” Tommy assures him after they’ve called it a night. “We’ve been doin’ pretty well up ‘til now, yeah? We just gotta keep at it.” He sounds far less convinced than he was at the start, though. The brothers stand in momentary silence, smudged with black grease and staring at the partial skeleton of the motorcycle as if hoping it will spontaneously start fixing itself.

“Yeah,” Joel agrees. “Just gotta keep at it.”

They part ways after that, tired and more than a bit disappointed. Joel feels strangely guilty when he gets home, and he shifts uncomfortable by the door for a good minute before he forces himself to head off to bed.

The feeling only gets worse as he passes Ellie’s cot. He pauses, observing the uneven rise and fall of the blankets. He huffs, not entirely sure whether it’s in amusement or exasperation. “Thought I told you not to wait up.”

She kicks her way out of the nest she’s made and fixes him with a look of pure frustration. “It’s not like I waited on purpose.” Her hair falls sideways across her eyes, and she bats at it ineffectively. “I couldn’t sleep.” She shrugs, seemingly unbothered by it. “You’re here now; I’ll be fine.”

“You been havin’ more nightmares?” he asks quietly, feeling about ready to kick his own ass several times over for leaving her alone so much lately.

“No,” she assures him. He’s not completely convinced, and it must show on his face because her face softens almost immediately. “Seriously, Joel. I’m okay. And… it won’t take much longer, right? Whatever you’re helping Tommy with?” She’s lowered her gaze to the blanket, picking mindlessly at a loose thread with her fingers.

“I don’t rightly know.” She nods, unravelling the thread further. “I can stop goin’, if… if you want me to.” That makes her pause and look up at him, confusion clearly written across her features. “It ain’t all that important, anyway.” He shrugs. He would’ve liked to get the stupid bike running, but if it’s screwing with Ellie’s rest then it’s done. “And it definitely ain’t worth you loosin’ sleep. I’ll tell Tommy in the mornin’.” She shakes her head, surprising him.

“You told him you would,” she reminds him. “You’re not ditching him because of me. I’m fine. It’s fine. Just… finish whatever it is as soon as you can.” She meets his gaze and offers a small, sure smile. “I’m fine,” she repeats. “Now go to sleep, dumbass.” Something about her tone isn’t sitting right with him, though, and he debates over pushing her or not.

“Ellie…”

“I’m _fine_.” She punctuates the last word by pulling the blankets back up over her head.

She’s never been a very good liar.

\----------------------------------------------------

Joel all but storms into the barn the next day, stopping himself just short of slamming the door shut. Tommy looks up from where he’s already crouched over the bike, eyebrows raised. “Alright, brother?” Joel grunts in response. “Wanna talk about it?” He raises his hands in surrender at the look Joel sends his way. “Just askin’.”

Shrugging out of his jacket, Joel nods in the direction of the motorcycle. “We’re figurin’ out how to fix this thing today, or we’re callin’ it quits.” Tommy doesn’t argue, but watches him carefully instead.

“Is Ellie alright?” he asks after a few moments. Joel flinches visibly; his expression settling back into a glare at the knowing look Tommy sends him.

“She’s fine,” Joel mutters. For all he knows, it could be the complete truth. If something _is_ wrong, she’s not talking. Either way, there’s nothing he can do right now, no matter how much he wants to.

Tommy wipes the grease off his hands on a rag, and clears his throat. “Joel, listen-”

“Don’t,” Joel warns.

Years apart don’t seem to have diminished Tommy’s lack of concern at his brother’s temper, if his unimpressed snort is any indication. “If somethin’ is wrong-”

“Dammit,Tommy. Everythin’ is _fine_. Can we focus on this goddamned engine?”

His little brother levels him with a measured look, but nods. “’Course we can.”

Joel doesn’t offer any more information so they work in silence, Tommy knowing damn well not to push him when he’s in this mood.

They fix the engine.

\----------------------------------------------------

They make good progress on the bike in the following days, managing to turn it into something that actually _looks_ like a motorcycle.

Tommy is understandably ecstatic. Joel, for his part, simply reminds his brother that they haven’t got it running yet and if he wants to be able to ride the stupid thing, he should stop crowing and get back to work.

His short fuse is completely unrelated to the fact that Ellie’s been awake every night he got home this week, or that she’s gotten far too quiet for his liking.

He’s almost sorry that they’re nearing the end of this little venture. If nothing else, having something to do with his hands holds off the worry for a little while. They get to work in silence, even though Joel can feel Tommy’s concerned gaze burning holes into his head. They’re both up to their elbows in metal and grease when the barn door creaks open again.

Joel isn’t entirely sure whether to be relieved or ashamed that his first instinct –even though this place is safe, even though there’s no reason to suspect danger- is still to reach for his revolver.

“Huh. I’m not sure _what_ I was expecting, exactly, but this definitely isn’t it.” Maria looks over their set-up, surprise the only clear emotion on her otherwise composed features.

“Hey, darlin’.” Tommy grins sheepishly. “Thought you were workin’ late with the engineers tonight?”

“The meeting ended early. I thought I’d surprise my husband by actually being home at a decent hour, for once.” She walks over to them, eyeing the bike curiously. “Where the hell did this come from?” She’s looking at Joel when she asks, and he’s torn between amusement and annoyance that she assumes this was _his_ doing.

“Ask your husband. This whole mess was his idea.” He doesn’t even have to look over to receive the betrayed look Tommy shoots him. By Maria’s look of shock, he assumes his little brother never got around to telling her. He’s not the slightest bit surprised. Tommy hastens to explain and Joel leaves him to it, with the exception of an occasional snort at the younger man’s version of things.

When he finishes, Maria looks back at the bike with an unreadable expression. “Does it run?”

“We’ll have to get back to you on that,” Joel mutters.

“And you’re planning on letting Ellie ride this thing?” she asks, eyebrows raised in surprise.

“Eventually.” He really doesn’t appreciate her tone, or the implications of it. “Once we’re sure it’s safe.”

She crosses her arm, her expression still neutral. “I’m assuming you and my husband are going to be the crash-test dummies, then?” He makes a noncommittal sound, wary of where this is going.

“C’mon, Maria. It ain’t the first time we’ve done this,” Tommy reminds her. Her expression shifts, concern making its way across her features. Joel can’t really blame her. From where she’s standing –hell, from where they’re _all_ standing- it doesn’t exactly look like the safest thing in the world.

She shakes her head and throws her hands into the air. “You’re both big boys. If you wanna smash yourselves to pieces with this thing, fine. Fair warning; I’m not scraping either of you off the ground afterwards, clear?”

“Yes ma’am,” they mutter together. She shakes her head again, muttering something about ‘stupid, stubborn Texans’ under her breath as she goes to leave.

“Maria,” Joel calls, making her pause. “I’d... well, I’d really appreciate it if you didn’t mention this to Ellie. It ain’t a sure thing yet, and…”

“You want to surprise her,” Maria finishes, a smile tugging at the corners of her mouth. He nods. “My lips are sealed,” she promises. “Besides, now I’m curious to see how this turns out. Now get back to work, you two. It’s not going to fix itself, is it?”

\----------------------------------------------------

He spends the entirety of the next day trying to get Ellie’s spirits up. It’s downright eerie to have his chatterbox of a companion be so silent, and he employs every method he can think of to get her laughing, get her talking. He takes a page out of her book and tries to cheer her up with horrible jokes and anecdotes, anything he can make up or remember from the past. They work for a few moments at a time, earning him a laugh and a brief smile, before whatever heaviness is dogging her settles back over her.

He even breaks out the guitar, which he never does during the daytime. She’s delighted at the unexpectedness of it, and it _works_. She’s herself again; her eyes bright and happy and her smile big enough to light up the whole damn town. Her lighthearted mood lasts even after he’s done, but just as he’s about to pat himself on the back for a job well done, he sees the heaviness, the sadness, creeping back into her.

Later, they’re sitting at the edge of the water, looking out as the sun sets. “Ellie.” She looks up at him from where she’s been tearing at the grass on the bank of the lake. Her face is expectant, and he clears his throat a couple of times as he thinks of the best way to continue. “You know you could tell me anythin’, don’t you?” he says gently. “If anythin’ is botherin’ you, if you just wanna talk. Lord knows you put up with more than enough of my bullshit for me to return the favor.” He winces. “Hold up; that came out wrong. I ain’t sayin’ that anythin’ you wanna say is bullshit. I just meant-”

A choked laugh makes its way out of her mouth. “Stop, please. This is painful to watch.” She shakes her head in exasperation, but her eyes are fond as they meet his. “Let me put you out of your misery, old man. I’m good. I don’t _need_ to talk.”

“I know, I know.” He doesn’t believe her for a second, but he’s not about to tell _her_ that. “But if you did-”

“If I did, of course I’d come to you, idiot. No one else would get me. We’re intimately acquainted with each other’s bullshit, right?” She smiles, and he tries to respond in kind.

“Right,” he agrees, withholding the sigh of disappointment that wants to escape him.

“Great. Good talk. I’m gonna head back. I’ll see you after you’re done with Tommy?” Her tone doesn’t change, but she looks suddenly unsure, like she’s worried he’s not going to come back this time.

“’Course you will,” he assures her. The tension bleeds out of her at once, and she smiles with relief. “Sleep tight, kid.” She presses a quick, warm kiss to his cheek before rising to her feet. He watches her go with a sinking feeling in his chest.

\----------------------------------------------------

“Either I’ve lost it, or there ain’t nothin’ left for us to do.” Tommy tosses Joel a clean rag to wipe off his hands as the brothers look over the motorcycle once more.

“Reckon we’ve done our best with it,” Joel agrees. The bike isn’t exactly showroom-ready, but it’s come a long way from the pile of scraps Tommy first dragged in. “None of that’s gonna matter if it don’t run, though.”

“It’ll run.” Tommy sounds as sure as ever, and Joel honestly hopes he’s right in this. “Can’t ride it ‘round in here, though. We’ll give the whole damn town a heart attack.” He has a point, which is how they end up rolling the bike as quietly as they can through Jackson. They end up in a clearing far enough from the main settlement that they won’t cause any major disturbances. Tommy arches an eyebrow at him. “Who gets the first ride?”

“Considerin’ your wife’ll shoot me dead if somethin’ goes wrong while you’re ridin’, I reckon it’s best if I go.” He mounts the bike carefully and exhales quietly in relief when it holds his weight.

Tommy scoffs. “And I get off any easier if you break your fool neck? Please. Ellie’ll gut me like a fish.” 

Joel shrugs. “Not my problem. I’ll be dead.” He shoots his brother an easy grin and closes his hand around the ignition. The bike splutters and coughs for a few tense moments, before roaring to life. Joel barks out a laugh and releases the break. Out of the corner of his eye, he sees Tommy punch the air victoriously as the wheels start to move. Joel goes slowly at first, not wanting to push his luck. It doesn’t take long at all for him to throw caution to the wind. The motorcycle roars like some sort of animal underneath him as he pushes it faster, and _damn,_ he forgot how good this feels; the skip of anxiety in his gut at the first acceleration, the cold slap of the wind against his face, the feeling of weightlessness.

Tommy whistles sharply, cutting the moment short and signaling the end of his test-drive. Disappointed, he cuts the engine. His ears are still ringing with the sound of the engine’s purr as Tommy saunters over, looking pleased as punch. “Well?” the younger man asks expectantly. “How was it?”

Joel laughs breathlessly in response. “We did good, little brother. Real good.” Tommy’s grin widens impossibly, and then he’s laughing, too.

“Ain’t you glad you went along with my hare-brained scheme?” he teases as Joel slides off the bike. “Fun, wasn’t it?”

In a rare demonstration of brotherly affection, Joel slings his arm around Tommy’s shoulders. “It was a damn good scheme, Tommy,” he says honestly. He supresses a grin as Tommy straightens up under the praise, looking years younger as he does.

“Yeah, well.” He shrugs, dislodging Joel’s arm as a result. The pride is still clear on his face, even as he rolls his eyes and mutters, “Enough of this crap. I’m takin’ a ride!”

Joel makes a go-ahead gesture with his hands. “Lemme know if you need trainin’ wheels on that thing.”

“Fuck you,” Tommy shouts good-humouredly over the roar of the engine, before kicking the bike into motion.

\----------------------------------------------------

Joel goes home that night on the tail-end of a damn good mood. He’s still riding high on their success with the motorcycle, and the thought of Ellie’s reaction when he takes her out to the bike tomorrow boosts his spirits even higher. It might even help her shake off the gloom that’s been so thick around her. _That_ thought puts a spring in his step more than anything else tonight. He walks in quietly, cautious on the off chance that she’s managed to get to sleep tonight. He jerks in surprise as the sound of voices reaches him in the doorway.

“-don’t need to worry about it, Ellie.” Maria’s voice is soft and soothing, with that maternal edge that only ever comes out around Ellie and some of the town’s younger kids.

“I’m not worried,” Ellie snaps. Joel edges forward as much as he dares, taking care to stay out of sight. He catches a glimpse of the two of them seated on Ellie’s cot, heads ducked together, but he ducks quickly out of the way as Ellie looks up fiercely. “What do _they_ know, anyway? What do any of them know about him? Jack _shit_ , that’s what.” Any guilt he might feel at eavesdropping is shot dead at how upset she sounds.

“Exactly,” Maria agrees. “It wasn’t any of their business. I’ll talk to them tomorrow, I promise.” Confusion darkens Joel’s features and he barely dares to breathe as he listens, for fear of missing part of the conversation.

“You don’t-”

“No, I really do,” Maria interrupts, her tone deadly serious. “I won’t tolerate that shit in my town, and if they want to keep living here, they’ll have to respect that.”

 “I think you scared them good enough tonight,” Ellie points out. “Besides, they didn’t mean any harm. I honestly think they were trying to help.”

Maria huffs. “Some help. They’re lucky I didn’t tear each of them a new one.”

“It’s not your problem, Maria; it’s just stupid gossip and misunderstandings. I don’t care.” Ellie doesn’t sound at all convincing, and Joel doubts Maria buys it for a second.

“ _Joel_ would care,” Maria mutters. He starts at the mention of his name, momentarily expecting to be caught.

“No, you can’t _._ Maria, you _can’t_ tell him.” Ellie’s voice rises with panic, cracking halfway through her sentence. Her sudden desperation hits him like a goddamn bullet, and he nearly blows his cover to comfort her. He nearly does, only pulling back because Maria starts shushing her gently.

“Ellie, it’s okay. Calm down, honey. It’s all fine.”

“It’ll just make him upset, make him _sad_. And it’s fucking embarrassing. So just leave it, _please_. If you wanna yell at them some more tomorrow, fine. Just don’t bring him into this.”   

“Okay, relax. Just relax. I won’t involve him.” Joel grits his teeth at that, hoping that she’s lying for Ellie’s benefit. She damn well better involve him.

Ellie heaves a sigh of relief. “Thanks.” There’s a heavy pause, and Joel can taste the tension on his tongue.

Maria clears her throat uncomfortably. “Ellie, you didn’t… _believe_ any of that crap, right?” He hears the cot creak and the familiar thud of Ellie’s sneakers hitting the ground. “Listen, I promised I wouldn’t say anything, but if you need to know I’ll tell you what the boys are up to.” He definitely can’t blame her for that.

“What the _fuck_ , Maria? Of course I don’t believe that bullshit! If Joel says he’s helping Tommy with something, then that’s what he’s doing. I’m not going to go behind his back; if he wanted me to know, he’d have told me, okay? He’s got no reason to lie to me about where he’s going or what he’s doing. Or who he’s doing it with.” _That_ catches him entirely off-guard, and he’s still reeling as she continues. “And even if he _did_ lie about that part… the rest of what they said still can’t be true. He would never just… ditch me.”

He’s heard enough. Backing towards the door, he yanks it open and shuts it noisily. An immediate hush descends over the house. “Ellie, you up?” he calls.

She clears her throat quickly before answering him. “Yeah, I’m… I’m awake.” He can’t bring himself to channel his earlier enthusiasm, so he settles for wiping the concerned look on his face as he walks in. He fakes surprise as he notices Maria; either he fakes it well, or Ellie’s too shaken up to notice, because she immediately starts explaining. “We were just keeping each other company while you and Tommy were busy. I guess you guys are done for the night, right?”

“Done for good, actually. We finished up ‘bout a quarter of an hour ago.” He shifts his gaze briefly to Maria, who regards him with a troubled expression.

“Really?” The smile that lights up Ellie’s face rekindles some of his earlier satisfaction, and he smiles back despite the apprehension gnawing at his gut.

“Really,” he assures her. “No more late nights, I promise.” He can practically feel her relief from where he stands, and a fresh wave of guilt twists sharply inside of him.

“I should get going,” Maria says softly. “Tommy’s probably wondering where I wandered off to.” Joel catches her eye again on her way out, and she shakes her head imperceptibly at the questions that must be written all over his face.

“Everythin’ alright?” he asks once the door clicks closed. He turns to face Ellie as she shifts uncomfortably from one foot to the other.  

She shrugs, sitting back down on her cot. “Yeah, I guess. We were just hanging out.” He nods, because some sort of response is required, before moving to stand beside her.

“D’you mind?” She shakes her head, scooting over to give him room. She can’t seem to make up her mind whether to avoid his gaze or not; her eyes dart to meet his before lowering abruptly to the ground. “You gonna tell me what happened, or am I gonna have to find out some other way?”

She flinches. “Nothing-”

“Don’t give me that bullshit,” he says, his tone gentle despite his words. “You’re upset.”

“What, do I have to fucking tell you everything I do, now? Is that it?” she snaps. He doesn’t rise to the bait, smothering whatever irritation that flares up in him at her sharp response. She’s dealt graciously with enough of his moods for him to start returning the favor. Besides, she wouldn’t be acting like this unless something serious was going on.

“You know I worry.” She scoffs, and he’ll admit that his words are a bit of an understatement. “I just wanna help, Ellie.”

Her expression becomes pained for a moment before settling back into irritation. “Yeah? Well, don’t. I’m not a fucking child, Joel. I don’t need you to babysit me. Leave it.”

He sighs. “Ellie-”

“I’m tired, Joel. I want to sleep. You gonna let me, or are you gonna keep this shit up?” For a moment, he almost tells her what he overheard. She looks up at him, exhaustion clear on her face. “Let it go, Joel. Please.” Any desire he might have for confrontation shrivels and dies. He raises his hands in surrender.

“Fine,” he mutters. “Have it your way.” He shoves off her cot with more force than seems entirely necessary, and goes to his own. He lies awake for a long time and by the rustling blankets and frustrated huffs from across the room, he figures Ellie isn’t much better off.

\----------------------------------------------------

Joel rises early the next morning, intent on talking to Maria before Ellie wakes up. He tries his best not to consider what he’ll do if his sister-in-law keeps to her promise and refuses to clue him in. He’s barely made it halfway to his brother’s house when he hears someone shout his name. He turns to see Tommy rushing towards him and stops abruptly.

“Figured I’d save you the trip. Maria mentioned you might be by today,” the younger man explains after catching his breath.

Joel shifts, his posture immediately defensive. “Did she, now?” Realization strikes him a moment later, and he grinds his teeth together. “Lemme guess; she ain’t around.”

Tommy shrugs. “You know how it is with this place. Any little thing goes wrong and they want the head of the whole damn thing to deal with it.” He raises his hands in a ‘what can you do?’ gesture. “She wanted to tell you what happened herself, but seein’ as she couldn’t, she told me.”

Joel narrows his eyes at his brother. “The hell are you on ‘bout?”

“That whole mess yesterday with Ellie and-” He cuts himself off at Joel’s expression. “Your girl really didn’t tell you?”

Joel shakes his head. “She ain’t been too talkative, lately,” he mutters.

Tommy raises his eyebrows. “Well, fuck.” He breathes out heavily. “Alright. D’you know anythin’ at all ‘bout what went down?”

Joel hesitates, unsure whether to admit to his eavesdropping or not. Deciding it’s not worth the secrecy, he relays what little he caught of last night’s conversation. “Listen, I know you’ve got responsibilities to these people. I understand if you can’t get involved. All I’m askin’ is for you to tell me what was said and who did the sayin’. I’ll deal with it from there.”

Tommy shoots him a look of disbelief. “Yeah,” he mutters sarcastically. “’Cause your way of dealin’ with things always goes over so well.” When Joel starts to protest, Tommy holds up a hand to stop him. “Relax, brother. I’ll tell you, _if_ you promise not to take matters into your own hands. Maria’s already on it and believe me, she ain’t pleased either.” He pauses for a moment, seemingly finished, only to launch abruptly into what he says next. “And fuck you, if you think we’d let some gossipy do-gooder bitches upset Ellie and let them walk. She’s our family too, you know.” His expression is genuinely wounded, the offense clear in his tone.

Joel ducks his head, grimacing. “I… yeah. You’ve got a point,” he admits. Tommy remains resolutely silent, and Joel sighs in resignation. “Fine. I promise I ain’t gonna do anythin’ ‘til you tell me what the hell’s goin’ on. Now _talk_ , Tommy, ‘fore Ellie wakes up and notices I’m gone.”

“Not here,” Tommy says. “Let’s talk somewhere the walls don’t have ears.”

\----------------------------------------------------

Ellie is still sound asleep by the time Joel arrives back home. He’s buzzing with anger, frustration, and the worst sort of guilt as he pauses at the foot of her cot, unsure whether or not to wake her. Obliging as ever, she saves him the trouble.

“Joel?” she mutters, voice thick with sleep. “Why’re you up?” It takes her a moment to observe the expression of his face, before she pushes herself into a sitting position. “Something wrong?” Her body tenses, ready to run or fight at his say-so. Her loyalty is overwhelming at the best of times, and in light of what he’s been told, it strikes him as downright painful.

“No,” he says, waving her off. “Nothin’ is wrong. You can sleep more, if you wanna.”

She shakes her head. “It’s okay. I’m awake.” She doesn’t look anywhere _near_ awake, but he doubts he’ll be able to talk her back to bed, so he lets it go.

“Get dressed, then. Gotta surprise for you.” She perks up immediately as her usual curiosity takes over. She opens her mouth, probably to ask what the hell he’s talking about, but he waves her off. “I ain’t answerin’ none of your questions. If you ain’t outside in five, I’m headin’ there on my own.” It’s a lie, of course, and not even a very good one, but the fear that she’ll believe him strikes him suddenly. She shoots him a clearly unimpressed look, and his anxiety ceases as quickly as it arrived. “Five minutes,” he reminds her, and walks out the front door.

She’s beside him in three, and he doesn’t bother to bite back the smile that tugs at his mouth. “Can I ask where we’re going now?” He rolls his eyes good-naturedly, not even bothering to answer her. She huffs. “Whatever. _Don’t_ tell me; see if I care.” His only response is to walk a little faster and laugh as she mutters curses at his back. They’ve been moving for only a few minutes when he hears her shoes scuff the dirt as she stops. He turns, some sarcastic comment ready on his tongue. He swallows it back down as he takes in the troubled, almost fearful expression on her face. “Joel,” she begins, swallowing thickly. “Are… are we going to see someone? Is that where we’re headed?” She’s rubbing her sleeved arm, right above where her bite is. He’s struck by how goddamn _young_ she looks –how young she _is_ \- despite the way she handles herself.

He chooses his next words very carefully, desperate to put her at ease again. “What, you sick of me already?” he says, mock affronted. That earns him a little smile. Encouraged, he shakes his head and continues. “’Fraid not. It’s just us; looks like you’re stuck with me, kid.” Ellie searches his face for a moment, and he wonders bitterly if she’s looking for one of the lies she seems to expect from him, now.

The troubled look fades completely, his dark thoughts with it, and she beams. “I don’t mind.” She takes his hand eagerly when he offers it, and they stroll straight through the heart of Jackson that way.

Ellie doesn’t ask about their destination again, doesn’t say much of anything, but this silence is lighter than any of hers have been for a while and Joel doesn’t feel the slightest bit of concern. It’s not far to the clearing, and less than half an hour after leaving home, he pulls her to a stop. He watches her confusion with no small amount of delight as her head turns back and forth, searching the field. He knows she’s found the bike a moment before she makes a sound; her hand tightens in his, the surprise jolting her whole body.

“Holy _shit_ ,” she breathes. “No way, no _fucking_ way.” She turns to face him, her eyes blown wide with shock. He can’t help it; he laughs, a deep, shaking sort of sound that vibrates through his whole body. “Can I-” She gestures to the motorcycle.

“It ain’t there just for lookin’ at,” he points out. She tears across the field before he can get all the words out, red ponytail flapping wildly behind her. He takes a moment to just watch her, listening to her shouts of excitement. Something warm and good fills him at the sight of her joy, and he lets the feeling burn under his skin as he follows. He starts out at a reasonable pace, but her excitement is infectious and soon he’s running after her, racing her to the bike. Even with her head start, she reaches it only moments before him. She’s talking so quickly and so incoherently that he can barely catch a word, but he understands the sentiment well enough. “You like it?”

She stares at him incredulously. “Do I _like_ it? It’s… this is… I don’t…” She trails off in wonder. “Yeah,” she says finally, laughing quietly to herself. “Yeah, I like it a lot.” He watches with smug satisfaction as realization dawns on her face. “Wait. When Tommy told me to ask about the road trip…”

“He was gettin’ a bit ahead of himself, but considerin’ how it turned out, I think I can forgive him,” Joel says.

“ _This_ is what you were helping Tommy with?” Surprise gives way to embarrassment, and she groans. “Oh, _god_. Fuck, I’m such an idiot. Dammit Joel, I thought…” She shakes her head. “Nevermind what I thought. I’m a huge fucking moron, apparently.”

His expression softens. “No, you ain’t,” he assures her. “But you see why I couldn’t exactly tell you. If it didn’t work and you’d already gotten all excited about it…” He shrugs helplessly.

 “You’re just a big softie, aren’t you?” she teases. He growls something unflattering at her, swatting gently at her ponytail as she ducks away from him, giggling.  

“D’you wanna ride or not?” he asks.

Her eyes go wide again, her mouth curving into that awed sort of grin that makes him so damn proud of himself. “ _Fuck_ yes,” she says, little louder than a whisper. He mounts the bike easily and holds out a hand to help her on. He chuckles as she squirms around behind him, trying to find her place. Her arms wind around his waist without him needing to say a word. “This is safe, right?” she asks, her voice suddenly hesitant as she rests her head against his back.

He looks over his shoulder at her, entirely serious. “D’you think I’d let you on if it wasn’t?” he asks quietly. He feels some of the tension bleed out of her, and she nestles her head between his shoulder blades. “You ready?” he asks.

“Not at all,” Ellie admits. “Let’s fucking do this.”

The roar of the engine drowns out his laugh. Ellie clutches at him, scooting forward so there’s barely an inch between them. He can feel her shaking, and he pats her hand comfortingly. “Here we go,” he says, her yelp ringing in his ears as he starts forward slowly. “Easy,” he soothes her.

“This is a terrible idea,” she mutters against his shirt. “We’re going to fucking _die_.”

“No, we ain’t. Don’t worry, we’ll start slow,” he assures her.

“Define _slow_ ,” she says suspiciously. He revs the engine, just for her reaction. He’s rewarded in spades by her little shout, and her nails digging into his abdomen. “I fucking _hate_ you,” she seethes as he snickers. “You fucking _dick_.”

“Hold on,” he says in response.

“What the hell do you mean, hold- _oh my god!_ ” she shrieks, nearly deafening him as the motorcycle starts rolling forward once more. He’s not going nearly as fast as he did on the test drive, but by the way Ellie’s clawing his shirt to ribbons, she must think it’s more than enough. She presses herself tighter against him, muttering an endless string of curses and unflattering observations about his person.

“Relax, girl,” he shouts over the roar of the engine. All that earns him is another slew of curses. He chuckles, easing the bike forward just a little faster. He hears Ellie’s breath get caught in her throat as they lean over slightly on a turn and feels her arms tighten like a vise around his midsection. He wants to burn it all into his memory; the brief flashes of trees and grass and sky, the familiar warmth and weight of her against his back, the breathless sounds of fear and exhilaration that escape her mouth. He grins like the biggest idiot on the planet, even as the wind stings his eyes and cuts at his face.

Ellie nudges him unexpectedly. “Faster.” The warmth in his chest burns hotter at the lightness of her voice, the carefree sound of it. He obliges before she can change her mind and she laughs with delight, the sound blurring into another scream. “Bad idea, _very_ bad idea!” She groans. “Slow down, dammit. I changed my mind!” 

His hand moves toward the brake. He hesitates as a stupid, reckless thought occurs to him. He grins at her over his shoulder. “Sorry, didn’t catch that.” He twists his wrist, accelerating as fast as he dares.

“Son of a _bitch_!” Ellie shrieks, clinging to him for dear life. “This is _not_ slowing down! This is the exact opposite of slowing down, you fuck!” He doesn’t even bother to bite back the laughter. “Oh yeah, laugh it up, asshole. We’ll see how funny you feel after you’ve wrapped us around a fucking tree!” For all her protests, though, she’s laughing just as hard between curses.

The ground is hardly as even as a road would be, and he hears her groan as they hit a particularly rocky patch. “Everythin’ alright back there?” he shouts over the sound of the bike.

Ellie’s only response is to grab at his shirt and let loose another half-terrified screech as they bounce over a gopher hole. He slows the motorcycle slightly, turning his head as completely as he can to check on her. He realizes belatedly what a terrible idea it was. Her hair has somehow managed to escape from her ponytail; strands of red flashing wildly in the sunlight and hiding shining green eyes blown impossibly wide with excitement. He clears his throat, trying to shake himself out of this distraction.

“Want me to stop?” he asks, his voice gruffer than he intended it to be.  

“Don’t you fucking _dare_!” she shouts. She tosses her head back as she crows with delight, exposing the white line of her throat. She catches his eye, and her grin is blinding. _Ah, fuck_ , he thinks.

His heart catches in his throat and he surprises them both when he accidentally swerves the bike to the side. Ellie’s iron grip returns, cinching him tightly around the waist. “Mother _fucker_ ,” she hisses. “You’re going to kill me.” She relaxes much faster than before, though, and he finds he can breathe again without constriction.

He should stop, now. The motorcycle isn’t exactly new, and pushing it farther than he already has would be unwise. He _should_ stop, but instead he swerves to the right, just one more time. Right on cue, the life is being squeezed out of him by the tiny redhead riding in the back. “Don’t you know how to drive this thing?” He tries and fails miserably to contain his laughter. “You absolute _bastard_ ,” she says with realization coloring her tone. “I fucking _hate_ you, have I mentioned that?”

“Might have,” he admits, and then he’s laughing, laughing hard enough he shakes the whole damn bike. She splutters, completely affronted for a few moments until she joins him, ducking her head between his shoulder blades and vibrating with it. He feels the reverberations of that joy in his bones and it fucking terrifies him, every bit as much as it lights him up. That now-familiar fear seizes him; he’s going to lose her to Infected or a freak accident or a stray bullet, she’s going to leave him stranded and alone, or she’s going to try and find the Fireflies to die for the fucking cure… so many ways this could end in disaster.

She rests her chin on his shoulder with this little contented sigh that turns his head –so brave, so smart and so hurt by the world and too young, _too fucking beautiful_ \- and he’s aware of every part of her against every part of him. She feels so fragile. The light, the hope she brings to him feels so damn fragile. Roaring across the ground on this deathtrap suddenly seems beyond reckless; it feels like tempting fate, like waving a giant red flag to the sky and _asking_ to have her taken away from him.

His hands are shaking as he pulls the motorcycle to a stop. His heart is running like a locomotive in his chest, and he can feel hers thrumming just as fast against his back. He has to clear his throat a few times to make sure it comes out even. “Alright?” he asks.

“Yeah.” And for the first time in a while, she actually _sounds_ it. They get down, Ellie’s legs shaking slightly as they touch the ground. “Whoa.”

He slings his arm around her waist, steadying her. “Easy, give yourself a second to get your land legs back.” She hums in agreement, leaning into him.

She tilts her head to look up at him, a slightly dazed smile on her face. “ _That_ was fucking awesome.” He lets a bit of the smugness he’s feeling show, taking the swat it earns him in stride. “Dick,” she mutters, but without any heat. Her eyes dart away from him to the sky, still bright blue and early. “I don’t wanna go back just yet,” she admits.

He shrugs. “Then we don’t.” They settle down on the grass, leaning against the bike. Ellie rests her head on his shoulder, and he feels some of his worry evaporate at the easy familiarity of it.

“I always miss this,” Ellie says quietly. “Just the two of us; no one else’s bullshit to bother us. No one else’s rules.” She looks over at him quickly. “Not that it isn’t great, having a safe place to live. It _is_ , and I know we’re really fucking lucky, but…”

“But sometimes you gotta get out,” he supplies. She nods, clearly relieved. “Yeah, I get it. I ain’t that much suited for that kinda life, either. Not anymore. It’s got its moments, though.” The minor miracle of engineering at his back being one example. And seeing Ellie safe and fed; he can’t ever ignore that.

She nods. “It’s got its moments,” she agrees. They sit there in companionable silence, watching the clouds go by. He pretends not to notice her fidgeting and chewing on her bottom lip, sure she’ll speak if she needs to. “If I tell you what Maria and I were talking about, will you promise not to ask about the other stuff?” she asks finally. He raises an eyebrow, but doesn’t show his surprise beyond that.

“Reckon that ain’t all that fair, considerin’ I already know what you were talkin’ ‘bout.” She levels him with an unsurprised look. She knew, then, that he did.

“Maria ended up snitching on me, didn’t she?”

“She told Tommy, he told me. Second-hand snitching, I guess.” Ellie snorts.

“If you could tell me your side of it, it’d be much appreciated.” He nudges her hopefully.   

She heaves a sigh. “Maria blew it way out of proportion,” she mutters. “They weren’t even trying to be mean, or anything. They honestly thought they were warning me.” Joel nods, urging her to go on. “I think they were a couple of the engineers’ wives? They’d been up late waiting for them, or came back from visiting them, I can’t remember which. And then saw you sneaking around in the dark. I guess they thought it was just you being sketchy at first,” she rolls her eyes at this, and Joel snorts derisively, “but they noticed you kept going out, and that I was never with you, so…” She trails off with a shrug.

“So they figured I was meetin’ someone,” he finishes. Tommy hadn’t been quite as candid when he got to this point, and Joel hadn’t been sure whether to laugh or hit something when his brother had finally spit it out.

She nods. “The day you walked in on me and Maria talking, I’d gone over to her and Tommy’s place after you left and I couldn’t sleep.” His displeasure must be visible, because she sends him a look meant to keep his mouth shut. “I couldn’t sleep, big deal. Anyways, they kinda cornered me right before I got there, wringing their hands and just looking really uncomfortable and sorry. It was actually kinda funny,” she says, though she doesn’t sound very amused. “I can’t even remember exactly what they said. Something about how they thought I should know you’d been going out while I was sleeping, and that they knew it wasn’t any of their business, but that on account on me being so young without anybody to give me advice, and you being…”

“Me,” he says wryly.

She winces. “Yeah, and on account of you being you, they thought it best to let me know. Then they followed up with some very nicely worded invitations to come stay with any one of them, if I felt the need.” She huffs. “I swear to fucking god, Joel, I wanted to give them all a piece of my mind. But it was out in the open, and we’re already freaks here _without_ me punching out some harmless mother hens, so I just sorta… stood there. And I tried to tell them, in the nicest words possible, that I knew you were out at night, that you were helping Tommy with something, and they… fuck. The looks on their _faces_ , I’m telling you, it was like… like I was dying, or something. Just so much fucking _pity_.

“Then they got all soft and quiet, trying to explain to me that they understood I’d been travelling with you for a while, and that I was attached, but that you were a grown man and not at all unattractive, so it was only a matter of time before you found a lady friend.” She breaks off, then, to scoff. “ _Lady friend._ What the actual fuck?” Even having heard this before, Joel is still not sure on whose behalf he should be mortified. “And then they kinda insinuated that you might not want me around as much, now that you were… occupied, and that it didn’t mean there was anything wrong with me, just that it was time to move on. And then they went at it again with the invitations. By then, I was _really_ pissed. Maria had already been listening for a little while from the door, so that was when she swooped in and went all ‘leader of Jackson’ on their asses and hustled them away. It was pretty awesome,” she admits. Looking back at Joel, she spreads her hands out helplessly. “That’s it. I don’t have anything else for you.”

“Christ _Jesus_ ,” he mutters. Ellie makes a noise of agreement. “You coulda just told me from the start, you know. ’Stead of me makin’ an ass of myself stormin’ up to Tommy and Maria’s for answers.”

She snorts. ”Since when do you need _my_ help to make an ass of yourself?” She snickers at his grumbling, but sobers quickly. “I didn’t want to upset you with it, and it wasn’t any of my business if they _were_ right,” she admits. “Not about you not wanting me around,” she hastens to clarify at his wounded expression. “The… other part. The _lady friend_ part.” She says the words mockingly and rolls her eyes like it’s all one big joke, but her muscles are tense. “I figured you’d tell me if you thought I needed to know. Which I don’t,” she adds hastily. “Need to know, I mean. In case you were wondering. Not that you _would_ be, because like I said it isn’t my business and…” She stops talking abruptly. “I take back what I said. I’m apparently a master at making an ass out of myself.”

He huffs softly in amusement. “You’re fine,” he assures her, though it doesn’t seem to do much good. She shifts away from him, pulling her body into a loose ball. He can’t help the downward tick of his mouth at her sudden absence. “There ain’t nobody else in my life, ‘side from the people you know about already. We clear?”

Ellie smiles hesitantly, the expression not yet reaching her eyes as she searches his face. “No lady friends?” she teases.

“Not a one. Are we _clear_ , Ellie?” His tone is deadly serious, the words coming out harsher then he meant. The idea of her walking on eggshells, unsure if he’s going to leave her –to _abandon_ her, despite everything he promised her, and he knows she thinks it despite all her protests otherwise- fills Joel with an urgency that nearly chokes him. He feels an unpleasant creak in his knee and looks down briefly, startled to find his own hand gripping tight enough to whiten his knuckles.

He lifts his gaze to find Elle flushing slightly. “Yeah.” Her voice barely rises above a whisper. She clears her throat, speaking a bit louder on her next try. “Yeah, we’re clear.” 

Joel relaxes. “Good,” he mutters. “Don’t matter, anyways. What if it got out that you’re infected? Or if the… the Fireflies came back?” he says, grimacing at the expression on Ellie’s face as he mentions the Fireflies. Not enough time has passed to make that an old hurt, as he knows very well. “Ain’t no point in startin’ anythin’ if I know I might have to grab you and run at any time.”

“I think,” Ellie begins, her voice subdued, “that the general idea is that it wouldn’t be your responsibility to grab me and run. I wouldn’t be your problem anymore.”

He snorts derisively. “You _ain’t_ a problem,” he mutters, even though it should be obvious. The startled look on her face says otherwise, and he watches with mild confusion as her brow furrows like she’s working through something.

“I want you to be happy,” she says after a bit. He can’t quite catch her eyes as she speaks, and it doesn’t take much guesswork to realize the evasion isn’t an accident. “I don’t want you to keep yourself from that because you’re worried about me.” She straightens up suddenly, and her eyes snap to meet his with a fierceness he wasn’t expecting. “I know you won’t believe me when I say this, but you _deserve_ to be happy, Joel. You don’t have to resign yourself to staying with me, okay? I don’t want to be an obligation.” Her expression is unreadable except for the unsettling brightness of her eyes. He says nothing. The silence stretches, and she deflates. “Not that you need my permission or anything,” she mumbles. “I just thought I should say it.”      

“You ain’t an obligation.” He wants to be calm, to be steady, because he knows she needs that from him right now. He _knows_ that, but he can’t keep his voice from shaking with… with whatever this is, anger or hurt or something worse. “You stopped bein’ anythin’ of the sort when I figured out I couldn’t leave you with Tommy, when you went through hell to save my fucking life, when… when I didn’t turn right around and walk out of that hospital alone. You stopped bein’ on obligation a _long_ time ago, and if you don’t know that by now…” He trails off, shaking his head wearily. She lowers her head, and he watches passively for a few moments. “Look at me,” he says quietly. It takes a fraction of a second for her to obey. “It ain’t a misplaced sense of duty that keeps me in that house, Ellie.”

Her gaze turns searching again and he keeps his expression open, letting her find whatever it is she looks for.

“D’you think I’m lyin’?” he asks without the slightest trace of bitterness. “You gave me an out. What’d be the point?”

“I don’t think you’re lying.” He waits for her to continue. She doesn’t, but reaches out to him instead. He pulls her into a hug, suddenly sure that this isn’t about the town or the relentless gossip or anything as petty as that. He wishes it was that simple. He could silence gossip. He could make people leave her alone. Hell, he could even pack them up and leave, if it came to that. What he _can’t_ do is fight whatever battles she’s waging inside her own head. He does the only thing he can, holds her close and pets her hair while he waits for her to either break down or get back up. “I don’t think you’re lying,” she repeats against his collarbone.

“Much obliged.” He thinks he can feel her smile against his skin. _Tell me what’s wrong_ , he thinks. She doesn’t. He knows better than to push with her, so he hums some old tune and leaves her to it.

She pulls away to look at him after a while, and she seems more composed. “We should head back.” He nods his agreement, and they untangle themselves. “What about the bike?” she asks, looking at the motorcycle with an undisguised fondness that makes him smile.

“Leave it. Tommy’ll be out for a ride as soon as he can convince Maria he won’t smash his skull.”

She looks up at him, some of the earlier joy coming back. “Thanks for this. It was…” She shakes her head, speechless. “I needed it.”

“Anytime,” he says. She hooks her arm around his, and they start walking back. After a few minutes, he clears his throat. “I _am_ happy, Ellie,” he says sincerely. “More than I reckon I’ve ever been.” She squeezes his arm tightly.

“Me too,” she confesses, and damn if she doesn’t sound scared stiff by the idea of it.

                                                                                                              


End file.
